Thursday, September 2, 2010

Aside from the Fact...

"La carcajada de otra madrugada..." (The insane laughter of another dawn)

Yes, that is exactly what it feels like when I wake up in a cold sweat with uncontrollable tremors at 2, 3 and 4am almost every night. Anxiety throbbing in my chest, my insides oozing out of my pores and an earthquake running through my body. I try not to wake the hubby, but some nights it's inevitable. Even our plush, no move sleepfoam bed can't handle my shaking and Lupe awakens to comfort me.

I used to blame the anxiety on my old job. I quit that.

I used to blame the anxiety on a lack of exercise. I walk/run, zumba, swim and yoga.

I used to blame the anxiety on caffeine. I quit that. (Yes even chocolate, mostly)

I used to blame the anxiety on anxiety. I meditate 4-5 days a week.

Now, I know the anxiety must be the damn medicine. The doc has mentioned this to me before, I've always known it to be a side effect, but Jesus, it sure seems amplified these days. I sleep no more than 4-6 hours a night and am usually awakened by the sweat dripping down my face and my body rocking back and forth. This is, needless to say, miserable. I've also recently started suffering from vertigo. Complete loss of balance and the room spinning, while I'm in a freaking chair! So, yes, I will be calling the all-mighty rehumatalogist today....

Aside from the miserable side-effects I seem to be suffering, the new trabajo(job) is GREAT! I don't work more than five hours a day, planning usually doesn't take me more than 1 hour to complete, and neither does grading. I love being able to sit around (literally) and talk about books all day. Even if yes, it is sometimes to students who A) haven't read the material or B) couldn't care less about why John Steinbeck wrote The Pearl and what influence it has on their lives. It's still fun, and I'M excited and sometimes that even gets them a little excited.

Most of my students are weird. But in a good way, they all have really awesome quirks and funny senses of humor which I get a kick out of. The other English teachers on my team are cute older women who remind me of everything I wanted to be when I grew up. I'm sure they're all wondering what the hell I'M doing there, but they'll learn in due time. It's too soon to allow anyone to try and feel sorry for me yet. I feel like I need to prove myself first. (Flawed mentality, I know, but it ain't going away) It's a good gig and I'm really happy to be there.

So now you see, why I'm completely flustered by these mid-night anxiety attacks- makes NO sense!

I was going to go off on a tangent about pain-free days when I first started writing this, but that seems quite irrelevant now, after the night I had and will have to wait for another day. I will end on a positive note:

I submitted one of my children's book to a publisher (the one I'm REALLY hoping to get published by) so, wish me luck and we'll know in about a month.

"What would YOU attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"


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