Friday, August 20, 2010

Elation & Jesus

It is 3am, I am up. I don't know if it's the new job jitters. The prednisone or the fact that my mind won't shut the hell up, but I'm awake. My first day on the new job went well yesterday. I'm super excited about my team (a much older, more experienced, easy going group of inspiring women), and I like the sense of urgency without panic that I get from everyone. I am looking forward to the school year. :)

Now, as many know, I am a spiritual if not religious person. I believe in God, or a higher being, positive and negative energy, Karma, inner peace and things like that. I'm really not the kind that speaks in tongues and had to find Jesus to be "born again." BUT, last night, after my walk/yoga/meditation session, I truly believe I had an "out-of-body-holy-ghost-the lord is inside me" moment. I don't know where it came from, why it happened or if maybe it was just a "happy" panic attack, but I felt something I have never felt before. It was like I couldn't breathe but was full of air, I felt an incredible sense of joy and yes I'd even dare say, pure ecstasy. I started crying, like tears of joy, I felt blessed, I thanked God over and over again for everything He has given me and I just felt an incredible sense of inner peace and calm. Something in my heart and mind reassured me (for the first time in the last three years) that "everything was going to be alright." That I was going to be alright, like that I was going to get through all of "this"(the sclero) and I never felt more sure of it before. It was truly an amazing moment, scary at first because I didn't know what was happening, but so wonderful once I knew what it all meant.

I can't say for sure who or what God is, or even what he/she wants from the world but I know there is something greater than me, than all this somewhere out there because feelings and moments like that don't just happen, they're meant to happen and they mean something.

There are a lot of uncertainties in my future. A lot of dark roads I don't know the end to, but I truly believe that I am finally at peace with that, and that I don't have to control it all, because I can't control it all. I can only control how I respond to whatever lies ahead, and though that may prove to be a challenge I am ready for it and I accept it.

(What happens to a dream deferred? It explodes, beautifully and it's ashes turn into something greater. It's the only way to survive in this world).

1 comment:

  1. I really enjoy your blog!

    Thank you for sharing.

    I too have "The Big S" and have been blogging about it. I think it helps. It is hard for others to understand the up and down of it all.

    Hope all is well with you. Best wishes.