I am not having a good day. It started off fine, I meditated, did some yoga, ate a really healthy breakfast and had a great rehearsal where I was able to move and act with ease, no pain no hard effort. Then, around noon, I had a breakdown. I cried and slept and ate a lot of junk food and still feel misearble.
I am tired of being in survival mode. I eat to feel ok. I workout to feel ok. I rest to feel ok. There needs to be something else. I don't want to be just ok. But maybe that's all there is right now. Maybe that should be enough.
It's hard for me to just sit. I am by nautre a busy body, idleness doesn't come easy for me, perhaps I just need to readjust my mentality and my expectations. I know this is a complete turnaround from my previous entry where I felt a purpose, hope and inspiration. But it happens when you live with a chronic illness. Some days are just better/worse than others.
I am convinced that I need to see a therapist or something to deal with what one of my friends calls this "something bigger than me." She says I am strong, and I am "big" but that scleroderma is bigger than me and I can't do it alone. I know she's right, I know that everyone who has ever told me that is right. But I have spent the last 12 years trying to become self-sufficient, so asking for help with my life is scary and foreign and contrary to everything I've been trying to establish for myself. But it's time. I know. This disease is bigger than me right now, and I can't go at it alone.
I need hope. I need strength. I need to not be afraid of the future anymore.