Monday, September 13, 2010

A Poem at 5am

You're probably thinking: This could be either really good or really bad. Well at this point I'M feeling like it just sort of "is."

I've received three publication rejection letters in less than two weeks. (Which I was actually ok with) But yesterday, the one that I really thought was the perfect fit said no. Not only did they say no, but they also said my characters were "too mean." I should seek peer revision. It's fine, I welcome criticism, but I guess it did bum me out a bit. (I will keep trying though)

Also, over the weekend I ran across some posts on a few Scleroderma sites that mentioned having to be on Cellcept (one of the meds I'm on) for life. I was quite astonished by these posts, since my doc has been pretty convincing about trying to get me off them. But everything I read said that when you go off them you relapse QUICKLY and when you try to get back on to stabilize they don't work as efficiently. Now I know that with scleroderma, every patient and every case and outcome is unique and different. But of course I can't help but worry and wonder: "will this happen to me?" Thinking about being on all these stupid meds for life is daunting not just because it's "for life" but because I want to have kids (eventually) and if I can't ever get off them, then I can't have kids.

So, being the investigative researcher I am, I asked around to see if other women had tried to get off cellcept and have babies and what they're experience was like. I received one positive response, and one really negative one. The negative lady told me she had a 3rd baby after being diagnosed, and now 20 years later she's still in horrible relapse. Says her third child doesn't know what it's like to have an active mom, she hates for him to see her sick all the time and she's made a lot of sacrifices. So, having read this at 4am today, feeling tired, annoyed by my insomnia, upset by my rejection letters, and just overall sore and fatigued, of course I began to cry. (And now I have a headache and a long day ahead)

Although I was upset for awhile, I recovered, and was actually inspired to write the following poem. Now, I am still going to do everything I can to try to have kids one day, but I know that there's a chance I may not be able to, so...that is what inspired this:

A Book & A Baby

Two dreams
a book
and a baby.
When the publishing world failed me
I tried to have a baby.
And I didn't think it was possible
But my uterus sent me a rejection letter.
And this is how it read:
Dear Conceiver,
We regret to inform you that
Your body needs too much revision.
Your lungs lack depth and sincerity
Your bones need creative precision.
Your muscles are anti-climactic
Your kidney's often seem static.
Although your mind has potential,
Your organs are too weak
And the overall tone of your skin is too rigid and meek.
The character of your joints are not round
The setting of your fallopian tubes too profound.
Your fatigue is an internal conflict too outdated,
And the irony of your hips is often understated.
We've considered your submission thoroughly
But your piece does not meet our needs at this time.
Good luck with reproduction,
Because WE cannot birth babies of your kind.

"Be still, be well."


No comments:

Post a Comment