Monday, May 10, 2010

Temporarily Neccessary

A friend once told me, when I complained about the side effects of the meds I was taking and trying to reassure myself by saying it was only "temporary," that it was not temporary, it was neccessary.

And of course, she was right. In order for me to feel better and to function, the meds are neccessary and neither I nor my doctor's can truly assure me that it is only "temporary." Because truthfully, chronic means, well pretty much forever. Sure I can hope to go into remission, but not soon because I'm still in the early stages of this thing and only time will tell what's in store.

I bring this up because I'm having a hard time dealing with how I've changed physically because of the meds and the sclero. My skin is dryer, my face is fatter, I have no upper lip to speak of and I'm constantly bloated which makes my tummy stick out. I hate to look at this new me in pictures because I don't feel beautiful anymore and it kinda sucks. See, this is the part I haven't chosen to accept yet, still hoping I'll go back to looking like my old self, but even that's not certain.

I try to convince myself that it's better to look this way and feel better than look how I used to and feel miserable, but that only lasts about half an hour before I'm back to hating my "new" face. My husband helps though, he tells me I'm beautiful at least once a day, and I really can't ask for more, but we all do. Human nature I guess.

I do however know how blessed I truly am, and am trying each and every day to appreciate those blessings and not take life for granted. I am exploring new artistic endeavors that keep me motivated, I am committing to spending more time with loved ones, and I am allowing myself to be okay with the few things I can accomplish each day and not feel guilty for those that I don't. Life is brief, our time here on Earth should be spent with family and friends and our peace of mind and spirit should be our number one priority. Without peace there is nothing and I am on a daily quest to find and keep that peace within my heart and with those around me.

"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it." -Anon

I have finally begun.

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