Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Can I Be Brief?

FACT: Scleroderma isn't something you prevent. It's something that happens.
So many topics, so many things I want to say and don't know where to begin or which matters most. I guess I can begin with the most basic, how am I feeling today? Happy. Wow, what a relief to be able to say that and mean it.

It's taken me almost a year to recover from my stint at the hospital last July, and for those of you that don't know what I was there for, feel free to email me privately...not that I'm keeping things from anyone, I'm all about openness and honesty here, but that story is for another time. Today I just want to share that this past year has been an incredible journey for me. Not just physically , but emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well. I have changed as a person, and for awhile I really missed my old self. And I mourned for that self I used to be, but not anymore. I'm really beginning to love who I've become even with all the limitations. (Although I hate to say that I have any because by believing that I do, then I make it so)

For the last month now, I have felt almost totatly better, for the first time in eleven months. My spirits are high, my productivity is through the roof, and I've even begun to set new goals for myself that I think I'm actually going to reach. (Which didn't even happen pre-scelero) So, YAY for me! It's quite amazing what doing things for others can lead you to accomplish. And I should know that since I'm a teacher, I've made a career about serving others. But truthfully, by starting this blog, writing poetry and creating art that is meant to share my story with this illness and wanting others to know and understand what I and so many countless others go through, has really pushed me to do the things I've been avoiding since I was diagnosed three years ago.

You see, when I force myself to write on here, or to work on my poetry I am forcing myself to face this thing head on. I can't continue to deny what's happened/happening to me, and actually I don't want to. I want so much more out of life because I know how short and uncertain it really is. I face my mortality every morning when I feel the stiffness in my arms, abs, and legs. I understand the power of God and the weakness of my own flesh when I can't make a fist to get my blood drawn properly. And yet, I see how happy I've become just in the last few weeks because I've chosen to accept it all. You see, for a long time I thought acceptance was something you "came into" and that your mind and heart felt "all of a sudden," But it's not, it's something you choose, everyday it's a choice, with your actions, your thoughts, your words and your spirit.

And if all it takes is for me to be happy is to face some demons that I can bribe with a cupcake and a few words of wisdom then I say "bring it on."

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