Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Road _________ Traveled By

My students performed this evening. And every time any of them do, I always get butterflies in my stomach and I remember why it is that I do what I do. I am proud of all of their accomplishments no matter how stressful it was to get them there, because deep down I know they'll remember it for a lifetime.

These feelings are what help get me up in the morning and keep me going through the day. Doing things (especially art) for others is what I live for, it's why I started this blog, so others could learn through my writing, my poetry and my art. Although it's all sometimes hard to manage, my body aches and I get tired really easily I know that in the end, (whether it's my end or theirs) it will have meant something and will have made a difference.

Even with all this positivity, I have found myself at a crossroads. I love what I do, but I also love who I am. And I cannot continue to be who I am successfully if I continue to exhaust myself doing what I love to do. In other words, if I don't slow down soon, it might all come to a crashing hault. I have to take care of myself or I won't be around to help others, but sometimes, helping myself is draining, hard and honestly quite depressing. I ignore me because others bring me more joy.

I have big hopes, big dreams and an unsure future ahead, I am always asking myself: do I make the most of everyday because one day it won't be this easy? Or do I stop and smell the daisies and the roses because it really is that easy?

An excerpt from my memoir:

Sandra says she only writes on the days she doesn’t put on shoes.

Sandra also says that art should save lives.

I am therefore caught in a paradox.

I must wear shoes in order to go to work, to pay my bills and to feed myself. I am a teacher, I teach theatre and I teach hope.

I don’t know if I have saved any lives yet in my theatre class, but I do know that I have helped change some.

On the other hand, if I gave up my day job to write like Sandra, one day, maybe my written words will save a life.

It is time for me to decide what is more important: wearing shoes or saving lives?

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