Thursday, October 28, 2010

On a Windy Thursday Morning

Three years ago this month, I first heard the words: You have scleroderma. A few months before that it was: You have mixed connective tissue disease. And a few months before that it was : You have Lupus.

The last three years have been a whirlwind. Many ups, many downs. I don' t know if the worst is over, or if it is yet to come. But I do feel really blessed lately and I can only hope that this is just the beginning of greatness.

I realized this morning, as I listened to the sounds of the world beating against my window, that I have grown wiser. That I have become stronger. And that I am not alone.

I know that I have many gifts to share with the world, and the world is waiting for me patiently. Others are suffering as I have suffered and it is my responsibility to reach out to them. Now that I am in a better place I can be open about what I've lived through, I am not afraid to laugh about it, I have the courage to cry about it openly, and on any given day I can choose to pretend it doesn't exist if that's what will help me make it through.

Chronic to me, means forever. And as I've said before, forever is a long time when you're only 25. But instead of accepting the "chronic pain" part of it, I have chosen to accept the "chronic learning, chronic changing" aspect. Because as this illness changes within me, I change as a person. I learn something new about myself, about the world and about "it" almost everyday and for that I am thankful. So many "average" people walk around the world never experiencing anything amazing. Never learning anything new. Stuck in a rut. My mind and my body will never let me be stuck, it is a constant struggle, every morning, afternoon and night. But that struggle reminds me that I am alive, and that one day I won't be, so I need to be the best me I can physically, emotionally and spiritually be at that time.

It's not easy being in my head all the time. Experiencing life with all my senses every minute of every day, but three years ago, God asked me to wake up and hear the sounds of the world. He needed me to open my eyes and see life. He has taken me by the hand, pulled me out of the mud, and pushed me into the wind.

Be still, be well.


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