Monday, December 6, 2010

It's All About...

Control. When I feel a loss of control in ANY part of my life I wig out. I stress and eat. Or I fall into a pit of "I don't want to do anything" and eat. These feelings inevitably lead to a flare up, which makes me feel like I have even LESS control etc. So needless to say, after trying to be in a great mood all weekend by going Christmas shopping and spending time with the hubby and friends, by Sunday I fell into the pit.

I have been attempting to reduce the prednisone dosage 2.5mg at a time so that I could be off of it come sometime early next year. Well, last week I dropped down to what I was hoping would be the final 2.5mg a day dosage, and I've never felt more miserable. Hip and joint pain is back. Fatigue is almost unbearable. And I keep getting these "mini" headaches. I am not pleased. While I keep trying to work through it all, push forward, workout, stay awake...sometimes it just all gets the better of me. I slept in until 10am on Sunday (which is HUGE for me), got up, went Christmas shopping for two hours, came home around 2pm, ate lunch, fell asleep from 4pm-7pm, got up, ate dinner and watched a movie, was back in bed by 10pm. And that, my friends is how fatigue works. (Putting myself back up to at least 5mg, so I can make it to the holidays)

So, what did I do this morning to regain control? I called in sick. I was feeling miserable at 6am this morning when I decided to make the call, and now I'm feeling 10x better already, but I really felt like the only thing I COULD control was whether or not I went to work today. And I took charge. I decided that my health was more important than money, so I may not be able to buy the fanciest Christmas gifts anymore but at least now my day is free to do whatever I WANT, which includes grading papers, but it sure beats teaching.

Mind you, all these revelations didn't just come to me miraculously. I have been mulling my "situation" over for the last few days. What really did it for me though, was going to the baby depot at Burlington Coat Factory on Sunday. I was simply shopping for my baby cousins and I managed to get all maternal. Which led to me becoming sad because I realized that I was a long way away from becoming a mother, especially since it was obvious that I still needed the meds just to function. Well, after that realization, I became a hot mess of sadness and fatigue, and figured that if I couldn't control my own uterus, then at least I would control my Monday.

This disease isn't fun. I was having some good days, and now I'm having some bad ones. I know God is with me regardless, I'm just having some trouble listening to him right now. Things will get bright again soon, I'm sure, I just need to find the serenity to accept....

Be still, be well

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