MFA vs IVF

"Society needs both parents and nonparents, both the work party and the home party. While raising children is the most important work most people will do, not everyone is cut out for parenthood. And, as many a childless teacher has proved, raising kids is not the only important contribution a person can make to their future."

View of NOLA from Hotel

-Virginia Postrel

Lupe and I recently spent a rather fabulous and relaxing weekend in New Orleans attending the American Literature Association Symposium.  We went because Lupe was on a panel sharing the research and poetry he's done on the Huelga Schools of the 1960s-70s in Houston. We spent time mixing and mingling with other academics talking about the state of literature and the arts in our schools and in our cities. 

We were all in agreement that there was still not enough minority representation in our schools or in our arts communities (especially in Houston). We brainstormed ideas for what could be done while we drank wine and spirits and listened to jazz. It was all very Harlem Renaissance(y). I left NOLA feeling renewed, refreshed and re-inspired. It didn't hurt that NOLA is a very beautiful city, rich with culture, great architecture and AMAZING food. (Lupe and I even said it was one of the few places we could see ourselves moving to sometime in the distant fantastical future) 

It struck me how passionate all these individuals were about their chosen topics of study. I remembered being that way once and I suddenly longed for it. 

The Awesome Peeps of the conference

I have been toying with the idea of pursuing an MFA in creative writing or a PhD. in something for awhile. (A couple of years actually) But the thought of returning to school, paying out of pocket or going into debt always seemed to hold me back. Truth be told, I just couldn't figure out what I could spend 2-4 years studying without getting bored or going crazy. 

Afro-Latin Studies?

Women's Issues?

Creative Non Fiction and Memoir?

Poetry?

I wanted to do it ALL! And yet, I kept coming back to my failing health. How could I possibly commit to something when my body and my health were so unpredictable? I couldn't possibly start a degree program and then miss class all the time, or have to decide do I pay tuition or do I pay for my pills this month? It all seemed so overwhelming that every time the thought entered my mind I quickly pushed it out. 

But something changed that weekend in New Orleans. It finally felt possible. I saw individuals who were married, with kids, without kids, young, old, from here and from all over the world pursuing degrees and teaching subjects at the university level that they loved and were excited about. I realized that that could be ME. Truthfully, it's what I've always wanted since I started on this path known as "what I want to be when I grow up." Perhaps all these trials and tribulations were the kick in the pants I needed to get me back on track. 

So, as soon as we got back from our trip I did what I do best and I started to research low-residency MFA programs. Mind you, I considered several times over what I wanted to go back to school for and decided on a creative writing program because I didn't want to spend all my time reading and analyzing other people's work, I wanted to create my own. I knew I wouldn't be happy just writing research papers for 4 years. I wanted and needed the incentive and motivation to work on my own writing projects and an MFA was the only place I could do that. Plus, an MFA is a terminal degree and takes half as much time as a PhD in anything else. (Practicality always wins)

I found 5 schools that I really liked and that seemed to fit my philosophy as a writer. They have diverse teaching staffs and offer classes and mentorships that sound like a good fit for me. I have one that is at the top of my list and I'm speaking with the director of the program to learn more tomorrow- wish me luck! (Once I get accepted into a school, I'll share more details) While the thought of paying for this THIRD degree is still a bit scary and uncertain for me, every time the doubt and fear creeps in I simply say "I'll figure it out." I shrug it off and decide to keep pushing forward with my applications, recommendation letters, writing samples etc. If there is one life lesson my dad taught me that I always carry with me it's that "no one can take your education away from you, once you have it, it's yours forever." 

But of course, because I can never seem to get out of my own head, the other day while staring at cute baby pics of my wonderful niece, I thought to myself: why is it so easy for me to shrug off having to pay $30k for another degree but when asked to consider to pay just as much for IVF as an option for conceiving a child I simply "cannot"? 

Isn't having a child just as much a dream of mine as this MFA or publishing another book?

Won't the joy of having a child surpass any joy I get from earning this degree or finishing my second manuscript?

Aren't children most people's "greatest" accomplishment in life?

Can you really put a price tag on the miracle of life?

Truth is, I don't know that I have a really good answer to any of the questions that ran through my mind. What I do know is the following: (this may upset some of you parent folk...this is just MY opinion)

1. I cannot (and will not) fail at my MFA degree. With IVF there is NO gaurantee. It might work, it might not. - Talk about money not well spent.

2. An MFA is an investment. It could lead to a book contract, a teaching gig, a non-profit job etc. My child will be an expenditure (even AFTER IVF, do you know how much it costs to raise a child for 18 years, not to mention paying for THEIR college?!) 

3. Children can and will disappoint you. As long as I continue producing work and writing, I will not be disappointed. 

4. My life should not be measured by what my ovaries and uterus are or are not capable of doing. 

Those of you who know me and keep up with my blog know how desperately I have tried and longed for a child. The longing is there. My desire to be a mother is just as strong as ever, but my willingness to PAY for it to happen is not.  I have a clearly defined budget for how much I am willing to pay for fertility treatments and I promise you it does not even come close to the 30,000 range. 

I want a family just as bad as the next girl, but if the universe has other plans for my body, then so be it. It's either going to happen naturally with as little intervention as possible or it's not. I have too much to offer this world to agonize over parts of me that I cannot control. Do I want to give Lupe a child- more than anything on this Earth. But he and I both understand that my body may not be able to make that happen for us and so, we will cross that barren bridge when we get there. 

School is the one thing I have always been good at. I used to joke that if I could be a professional student for life, I would. (I am truly my father's daughter- he's currently in his first year of med school at the age of 63- GO DAD!) Of course, everyone has to earn a living, so full time professional student isn't exactly an option for me, but perhaps going back to school will provide me with the inner peace and joy that I have so desperately been searching for and missing these last few years. 

There is still hope, I am only 30 and I'm getting healthier every day. We will still try for a family and we will still hope for the best. But until then (and maybe we'll get our "oops" one of these days), I will read books, write poems, teach other people's kids, inspire young minds, and continue baking real buns in real ovens. 

One Match

It's been four whole months since my last post...and what a crazy ride it's been! I don't want to just list a bunch of stuff that has happened...I'd actually like to impart some wisdom and hope with this post, but I know many of you are wondering "what's been going on?!" So I will do a QUICK recap of life and illness for those that are wondering.











Life Recap:

1. I won first place at the Latino Book Awards!! Island of Dreams is the official winner of the Best Young Adult Latino Focused Book Award! It was an amazing honor, a great experience, a fun trip to San Fran and I am truly greatful. Here's my Acceptance Speech

2. My sister had a baby!!! She's is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! Her name is Brooklyn Luna Monrreal and she was born on August 1st. I just want to kiss her face off!

Brooklyn Luna Monrreal

3. Lupe's aunt passed away in July. It was sad. But we know she lived a long full life.
4. I start working as an artist in residence with the Alley Theatre today. I'm excited to get back to teaching performance poetry and a little theatre. It will definitely make me a happier person.
5. A flash fiction piece (Neurology Suite 101)I submitted to Telling Our Stories Press ages ago was finally published. - Reflections
6. I got into a car wreck in early July, spent 6 weeks without my car. It sucked. But I wasn't hurt so that was a good thing.

Car Wreck :P

7. I resigned from the Scleroderma Foundation board. I had a lot on my plate and didn't want to commit to something I couldn't give 100% to. My energies had to be focused on my health and on my family. I will still volunteer for the organization but only when I'm able.

Health Recap:

1. I have entirely too much protein in my urine still. They did a kidney biopsy and it shows I have Class 5 and Class 3 Lupus Nephritis. Basically that means my kidneys are inflammed (surprise, surprse) and that I'm leaking protein.
2. We are in the process of getting me approved for Rituxan infusions.(This will help kidneys) I'm not excited about it, but the other alternative (Cytoxan) would've left me without ovaries...not. good. There's an 80% chance this will help get me into at least partial if not full remission...so..maybe I AM excited about that possibility.
3. I have a really ugly infection on my ring finger...but it looks like it's drying up and will heal on its own. The last thing I need is another amputation.
4. Lung inflammation and pleurisy persist. But, it's not as bad and I'm finally able to sleep lying flat!!!!
5. All my other symptoms are very quiet which is nice because it means I have energy, little to no pain or muscle aches, GERD is under control as long as I eat right, and fatigue is mostly gone with only a few minor flares.

So...that's about it...and that's a lot! I'm sure there were a few other things I missed in there, but those are the most important that I can think of at 7am on a Monday. Now..on to the compelling stuff...

All of the various life and health ups and downs over the last 4 months have given me a lot to think about. I have been on the highest of highs- winning the book award- and on the lowest of lows- waking up in the middle of the night and getting my best friend to convince me out of taking a bottle of pills. I've seen the light and been the light, but I've also been surrounded by a pit of darkness feeling hopeless, angry and afraid. Sometimes within a matter of days. It was not an easy summer to say the least. But I am pulling through.

I started to go to therapy again, but have decided not to continue, mainly because I can never seem to find a good one, but also because they're not telling me things I don't already know or do. So, I just need to be better at doing the things I know will help - yoga, meditation, writing, laughing.

I also think that my break from social media the last month and a half has really helped me to refocus my emotions and my energies. For those of you wondering where I disappeared to, I left Facebook and Twitter because it was only feeding my negative side. And that was all my own doing. I felt like I needed validation for my feelings and I needed to be heard about how much pain and suffering I was in. But I realized that that was only making the pain and suffering worse. So, I just up and left. No goodbyes, no explanation..just woke up one morning and deactivated all of my accounts. And I apologize to those people who freaked out because of it. Many friends and family sought me out or asked Lupe what happened because they were worried about me. So I'm sorry for causing concern, but I needed the break for myself, for my soul, for my sanity.

I plan on being back, but my posts will be limited to sharing my blog, poetry events etc. I will use social media for positivity and encouragement, rather than as a platform for pain. I don't want to give negativity anymore power than it already has. After all, you get what you give. What you put out into the world comes right back to you right? So I only want to put out hope, joy and success.

This summer I have been inspired and uplifted by Rachel Platten's Fight Song. Every time I hear it, it makes me cry (in a good way) and makes me feel like I can keep going. I know that my purpose in this life is to write and to teach. The more of that I do, the happier I am. I forget that sometimes. But I'm working hard every day to stay focused on what matters and why I'm here. My words and my stories, my blog and my book(s) are my one match, and I'm ready...to make an explosion. (Maybe an MFA maybe a Ph.D..maybe "just" another book?)

Put On Purple!

The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.

- Nathaniel Branden

Lupus Walk May 2014

May is Lupus Awareness Month! Yay for awareness! I haven't done as much as I wanted to on this blog with Lupus Awareness Month, but something is better than nothing. So, I figured I'd start with National Put on Purple Day, which is May 15th. And, in case you can't tell, putting on purple is easy and fun for me to do since clearly, I love the color purple. (No pun intended Lupe) 

For those of you that are unsure, or unclear as to why I "celebrate" put on purple day and Lupus Awareness Month, please be advised of the following:

1. I have Lupus. (shocker)

2. My Tia Morena passed away from complications with her Lupus

3. My Tia Daveyba also lives with Lupus

4. Lupus sucks and we need to raise awareness. 

Although I started this blog many moons ago to cope with what Scleroderma was doing to my body and my life, over the last few years, my body has also decided that it wants to take on the challenge of living with Lupus...so..here I am. Raising awareness not just for sclero, but for Lupus as well. I am a woman of many talents. 

Me & My Boo at the Lupus Walk May 2014

Today, I just want to share 15 fast facts about Lupus that I think you need to know to put this all in perspective: *For more facts visit Lupus Foundation of America- All information below is from the Lupus Foundation of America

1. Lupus is an unpredictable, chronic autoimmune disease that ravages different parts of the body.

2. In lupus, something goes wrong with the immune system, the part of the body that fights off viruses, bacteria, and germs. The result is the production of autoantibodies that cause inflammation.

3. Ninety percent of the people who develop lupus are women, though men can also develop lupus and their disease can affect some organs more severely.

4. Most often, lupus develops between ages 15 and 44. However, between 10 and 20 percent of cases develop during childhood and these cases can evolve into serious health complications more rapidly.

5. African Americans, Hispanics/Latinos, Asians and Pacific Islanders, and Native Americans are diagnosed with lupus two or three times more frequently than Caucasians; however, lupus affects people of all races and ethnicities.

 6. Lupus is not contagious and cannot be “given” to another person.

 7. To make a lupus diagnosis, doctors evaluate a patient’s current symptoms, lab test results, personal medical history and family medical history.

 8. Lupus can affect any organ system of the body, including the heart, kidneys, lungs, blood, joints and skin.

 9. The malar, or “butterfly” rash on the face is present in an estimated one-third of people with lupus. This flat, reddish rash across the bridge of the nose and cheeks often is the only outward symptom of lupus (though other signs and symptoms might be present).

10. Though all pregnancies of women with lupus are considered “high risk”, advancing technology and a better understanding of the disease have improved pregnancy outcomes. Today, 80 percent of women with lupus symptoms that are not active can have successful pregnancies.

11. Lupus is not a form of arthritis, but many people with lupus do suffer from joint and/or muscle pain

12. Among people with lupus that affects the skin, poor mental health is common and has been found to be similar or worse than mental health among those with type 2 diabetes, recent heart attack, heart failure and high blood pressure.

13. People with lupus have two times the risk of developing cardiovascular disease than do people without lupus.

14. Nearly 3 in 4 people with lupus surveyed (76 percent) said fatigue limits their ability to participate in social activities.

15. An estimated 1.5 million Americans and 5 million people worldwide are living with lupus.

Mami and Me @ Lupus Walk May 2014

I am one of those 1.5 million, and there is probably at least one other person in your circle of family and friends that is also living with this disease and you just don't know it...and maybe they don't know it yet either. 

It's not an easy disease to live with and manage. It's always surprising me. I've often said that I feel it's worse than scleroderma- only because sclero never attacked my internal organs and that's all Lupus seems to want to do. I  know both are devastating in their own ways, and I am trying to learn to  just be an observer, to live with these illnesses with non-judgement but I am a work in progress. 

Lupus has taught me to be patient with myself and others. To take nothing for granted and to live with purpose. To acknowledge that my body and my mind has limitations and to be ok with that. And to treat others kindly because you never know what secret battles they are facing. 

I also know, that I inted to continue spreading awareness, sharing my story so others feel less alone, and to continue tackling  all of it with humor, passion and grace. 

If you put on purple on May 15th, please snap a selfie and share it with me here or on Facebook/Twitter!!!

(Next on the blog...My Lupus Journey and The Spoon Theory..stay tuned!) 

Silence Is Golden

Surfside Beach, TX (Silent Yoga Retreat)

The picture on the left is what I woke up to on Saturday morning at Surfside Beach on the first full day of my silent yoga retreat. I spent the first part of the morning meditating, mainly because I hadn't really slept the night before (thank you again chronic pleurisy), so I was in quite a relaxed and vulnerable state when I walked out on the deck and saw this. I was immediately overwhelmed with emotion and I actually began to cry. It was so bizarre but I couldn't help myself. I was in awe of all the beauty that was before me, and so...I snuck my phone (we had to keep them in a box for the weekend) and took a few pictures to capture the moment. It is something I will always remember and cherish, feeling so overwhelmed with emotion by mother nature. It really set the tone for the rest of the weekend, and I can honestly say I came out the other end of this retreat a renewed and transformed individual. (Not. Exaggerating.)

I really enjoyed the first yoga retreat I went on in November, which focused on gratitude and I really wanted to challenge myself so I decided (rather on a whim) to do this for myself and for all the lingering questions I still had hanging around. I was hoping to gain some peace and perspective on it all, and I did.

For starters, we stayed in this amazingly lovely beach house with all the amenities and yummy vegan and gluten free food you could ever want cooked by some really talented chefs.

I spent a lot of time on the deck and on those comfy couches reading and writing my thoughts. I wanted to spend more time on the beach and in the water, but alas, my Lupus and my meds kept me from doing so. (I didn't want to risk a flare up due to over sun exposure- so I covered up from head to toe and spent only about 30 min by the water, but it was really nice).

So, what was the premise of the silent yoga retreat?

1. Spend time in silence to quiet and calm the mind.
2. Practice yoga and meditation to quiet and calm the mind, body and spirit.
3. Learn about using conscious language- "Language builds the house we live in"
4. Read Deepak Chopra's The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success (highly recommended)

What did I get out of it?

1. The ending to memoir # 2 was revealed to me! It was hard to shut my mind off, as it got really really loud at first(in my head). But eventually I was able to focus on what my mind was telling me and I knew how it had to end. I let my mind wander at first, and I doubted myself, but eventually the "why" of why it had to end the way it's going to made sense.

2. I was able to spend some time creating a list of things I still want to do that don't involve having children. I felt I needed to do this in order to prove to myself that I have a lot of things to look forward to. A lot of life yet to live, and I shouldn't let fertility or infertility define me or my quality of life.

3. A shift in perspective. For the longest time, I have been using language to creat a very negative and destructive "house." I am making a conscious effort to change that. (You may have noticed that my FB presence is quite minimal these days). So a part of it involves changing my daily affirmations and goals. Instead of saying things like:
"I hope I get better"
"I hope this medicine works"
"I hope I can get pregnant"

I have changed my language to:
"I trust I will get better"
"I trust this medicine will work"
"I trust I will get pregnant"

This subtle shift in language and in my daily affirmations has already made me feel so empowered. I've moved from wishful thinking with a cloud of doubt to positive expectation with a side of confidence.

4. The only way to move forward is to make amends with your past. I had a very tender moment on the last day with one of the yoga teachers. We were discussing whether or not I should do yoga teacher training, and she was encouraging me to go for it. At the end of our conversation she asked me to repeat the phrase: My only security is shining. And as soon as I opened my mouth to say them, I burst into tears. I don't know what it was about those words that made me so emotional, but it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to say out loud.

I realized that the only way I was going to "shine" is if I let go of all my old baggage. If I came to terms with my past, spoke the truth about the mistakes I had made, and began the process of forgiving myself in order to heal.

It was a difficult process, and I  still have a ways to go, but I am in a much better place now that I have begun the journey.

5. I want to plan and coordinate a Writer's Retreat for Texas writers next summer that will involve

writing, meditation, workshops, fun, food and laughter. Lupe said he is ready to do it with me and as soon as the fall rolls around, I want to start planning it. This silent retreat was so beneficial to me that I just want to share the love and I think writers could really benefit from this. I am super excited about the possibilities! Stay tuned writer friends, Mendez Writing Workshop Weekend coming your way in 2016!!

This yoga retreat was everything I needed and more. It forced me to face things I've been too afraid to and it gave me the space and time and quietness I needed to finally listen to the things I had been trying to silence.

I know there's still a lot more work that I have to do on myself so that my light continues to shine brighter and brighter, but I'm learning to take it one step at a time.

Managing and living with chronic illness is going to be a lifelong battle. But that doesn't mean I can't win. And for me, winning doesn't neccessarily mean a cure, or remission or having more good days than bad (which I also learned we shouldn't label things good or bad, since again this is language, rather we should just observe what happens with non-judgement), but rather winning for me, is about learning to shine despite the pain and flare ups.

Shining, even if dully, when everything hurts.
Shining when I'd rather stay in bed.
Shining for others when it's hard to do so for myself
Shining because I want to.
Shining because I can.

That, for me, is a win.

(Big) Little Happies

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”

― Rumi

Hello again everyone! I'm back so soon, look at that! Well I have a few BIG "Little Happies" to share just within the past week so here goes. (Please keep the positive energy coming and thank you to anyone and everyone who said a prayer for me and Lupe over the last week or so, God is listening!)

1. Latino Book Awards

I am a finalist for the International Latino Book Awards!! Island of Dreams was actually selected as Best Young Adult Latino Focused Book!!! How awesome and exciting is that?! I wouldn't have even submitted my application were it not for my love, my best friend, my everything Lupe. Thank you honey! Te quiero!

There is one other book in my same category and on June 27th, the hubs and I will be attending the awards ceremony in San Francisco, where we will find out if I get first, second or honorable mention. Regardless of the outcome, I can officially call myself an Award Winning Author! :) And I can put fancy labels and stickers on my book cover. I was so elated I cried!! It was the same awesome feeling I got when I got the publisher's letter saying they wanted to publish the book. I never dreamed I'd get an award for it!

I will definitely share pics and and a post after the awards ceremony. This also means that I get to attend Latino Book and Family Festivals all around the US if I like and get to sell and sign my book. That is super exciting. :) Stay tuned for more on this awesome milestone. 

2. St. John's Reading

On Friday I had the priveledge of being asked to read a conference/workshop session for church leaders. It was such a unique experience and I was showered with love and gratitude that it really filled my heart to be a part of something. A place where people were coming together to talk about real community issues and find ways to help others. I am blessed to know people that are working for change and that trust me enough to be a part of it in some small way. 

I was able to share a couple new pieces, you can check out one of the pieces HERE. 

3. My Best Friend's Wedding

Cam & her fiance Adam

Aaaaaahhhh!!! My bestie is GOING TO THE CHAPEL AND SHE'S GONNA GET MARRIED! I had the highest honor of spending Friday afternoon with my best friend of over 13 years learning how to strap her into her dress for the big day. The fact that she chose ME to come to the dress fitting to learn how to do it is a HUGE honor. I love this woman to pieces and she has been by my side since I first moved to Houston, she was my college freshman roommate and we've been connected ever since. 

She's not having any bridesmaids (thank God, so over it) so she wanted to find ways to include her closest friends and family in special moments. It was so joyous and emotional to be there for her and she is so excited about the big day. 

She's getting married in Austin on May 10th- there will definitely be pictures!

4. Cleared for Conception

I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this news or not, but I figure if I put it out there in the universe then maybe it will happen. The same day I found out I won the book award, I got a call from the maternal fetal medicine doc (high risk OB) and she cleared us for conception. 

My kidneys seem stable enough right now, I understand the risks involved, and everyone seems comortable enough to let us pursue fertility treatments. !!!!!! :) :) !!!!!! 

I really didn't know which news made me happier to be honest, but this just about tops the list (almost). I know I still may have a long road ahead, but the fact that we can begin this new journey fills me with a lot of hope. 

We will definitely still be monitoring my overall health through the process and if anything begins to get compromised before I am able to conceive we will definitely stop. Please know (for those of you concerned) that this decision was not made lightly and we are working with a TEAM of doctors (Rheumatologist, Nephrologist, Pulmonologist, MFM, Reproductive Endocronologist) to ensure that any future child is conceived AND delivered in the safest and healthiest way possible.

Please know, however that for personal reasons, if we are able to conceive, I will probably not share the news right away, or even early on. So be patient with me friends, and keep sending us prayers. 

5. Food...mmm Food... & Sleep...yay..sleep

I can eat! My mouth has greatly improved, though I still use the mouth gaurd to eat and sleep, but at least the pain is gone. And, my tummy troubles have settled down. The antibiotics are working and I have been able to eat several small meals without feeling awful. It feels good to nourish my body..finally.

I have been sleeping! Since I'm not up all night with excruciating back and side pain from indigestion, I am actually getting soome good sleep. The prednisone tends to wake me up at about 4am everyday, but I just meditate for about 10 min and able to fall back asleep. My energy and my mood is so much better when I've slept. Here's to hoping these meds keep working. :) 

6. Meditation & Vision Board

I have been meditating everyday before I get up and sometimes even before I go to sleep. It has really helped me stay focused and energized throughout the day and has calmed some of my anxieties and fears and stress. I definitely want to continue the practice since it seems to really be elevating my mood and allowing me to enjoy all the positive things happening in my life. 

Speaking of positive things, I finally finished my vision board. A craft project I started ages ago and finally sat down to complete. It reminds me everyday of the goals I want to achieve (a baby, another book, yoga teacher training), the things I have to look forward to(book signings, meditation, poetry readings, vacations, better health), and all the positive things already abounding in my life (my writing success, love, family, friendships, inner peace). 

That's really it for now. I had a great week and I hope the positive energy keeps flowing my way. I will keep you posted on any and all new developments- hopefully all joyous ones. 

Hugs & Chocolate